Atlas Agape, carrying you was like carrying the world at times. We knew you were worth it even when it felt too hard.
At some point, I plan to write more extensively on what hyperemesis gravidarum is like, but for now I will say: there were many times we didn’t think we’d make it through this pregnancy. Only by the grace of God.
On August 26 we were waiting.
Waiting for Atlas. Waiting to hear if our induction was being cancelled because they were overbooked. Waiting for relief from what was the hardest season for us all.
My body allowed some blissful distractions that day and the kiddos and I made some special memories.
Also, this fish that I deeply related to that day.
Around 1pm I began having some contractions. They picked up from 2-3 very consistently, so I finally called grandparents and Derek back from work. Around 5 Derek and I headed to the mall to be closer to the hospital and find food and distractions.
We weren’t even there for very long before it was clear we should probably head in. I was having back pain with my contractions but it seemed to flood over past the contraction and continue. We must have been quite a sight, Derek supporting me as we traveled through the mall, me very pregnant and flushed with contractions, stopping to breathe through the pain regularly.
We checked into triage and they told us Atlas had switched to posterior, hence labor stalling a bit and the feeling of increased back pressure. The midwife said to be prepared for a longer more uncomfortable labor, despite being 6cm dilated already. (YAY.)
Because this labor was starting so differently from all my others it was hard not to doubt myself and know how to pace my expectations when I always birth quickly and intensely. Already this labor had surpassed 5 hours (although the contractions were much less intense), the longest I’d labored in the past. Derek remained incredibly optimistic.
From 7-9 contractions with back labor came every 5 minutes with back pain that surged past them (and Atlas kicking Derek happily through them all). Contractions that were painful but I could still breathe through them if I was purposeful.
Both moms and my sister joined us for this birth and we were so grateful for each of them. Counter pressure makes a world of difference with back labor, and I didn’t realize till later looking at all the pictures how much pressure I was asking for. There were always 3 people around me, supporting me through the entire labor.
Also, can we talk about the fact that they ask you what number on the pain scale is your “acceptable level of pain”? It makes me laugh just thinking about it, especially when you share that you aim to labor med-free if possible. Here’s what that looks like:
Around 9, my midwife (the same midwife who delivered Emerson) broke my waters and said I was at a 5, something entirely disheartening to hear after 2 hours, when you were at a 6 before. And suddenly EVERYTHING picked up. Contractions started coming on top of each other and building with extreme intensity. By 9:30 all the building back pressure was joined with an overall urge to push that was undeniable. This labor I had been very conscious of how my breathing had changed in each transition and at this point it changed so dramatically someone may have run to call the midwife.
My midwife checked me standing because everything was coming so fast and called me a 9.5cm. With the next contraction I pushed and she pushed back that last .5cm.
From there I pushed for 3 minutes to bring our girl here.
This labor was overall the most intense (and long) out of all of mine, but the pushing may have included some screams because it was so intense. (My sister filmed the pushing and I’ve never heard myself make those sounds before.) I didn’t believe them when they said Atlas was right there, but she really was! She arrived at 9:51 pm, 4 minutes before her induction was scheduled, weighing 7 pounds, 2 ounces, 21 inches long.
That first meeting. She came out peaceful and breathing till they rubbed her down, then she had much more to say. Elisa cut the cord, which was super special.
This little girl came hungry and nursed the entire first hour. Whenever we tried to take a look at her, she made it clear she was still hungry.
I always treasure the “we did it” look photo.
In triage they had taken me back without Derek and I kept asking for him, saying he was my best labor support. The nurse said she didn’t hear that often, but it is so true. Derek never left my side and was strong through the entire labor.
Immediately after the delivery, he had a long cry. This season of pregnancy has honestly been the hardest season of our marriage and lives together as I battled with HG, sciatica, SPD, and more…and all the ways that plays on your mind. There were nights when he held me in his lap and I cried as I couldn’t remember what “normal” felt like. IVS and medication and extreme weight loss and not being able to walk. We were faced with a new challenge every time we thought we would be ok. Exhaustion from having to advocate for ourselves over and over. Exhaustion from things going on and on. So many times all we could do was hold each other and cry.
Truly grateful for the support of so many and the grace of God that carried us through. Each day postpartum we celebrate something “normal” returning, from the desire to eat to the ability to be inspired again. There is so many things I take for granted and I pray Derek is never one of them, because I am beyond blessed.
Again, super grateful for all the strong women who joined to support us in this delivery.
The kids have embraced their new sister with open arms. I knew Rainee would continue being a wonderful big sister (she has been waiting with so much anticipation) but I was not prepared for how sweetly Emerson would love Atlas, from covering her in kisses to bringing her a toy as soon as he got home.
Thank you for carrying us here with your prayers and love.
Keep praying for continued recovery for me, smooth transitions for us all, and wisdom in parenting for Derek and I. Our hands are beyond filled with blessings, and we feel it.
Atlas, you are the biggest blessing wrapped up in such a tiny human. Peaceful, inquisitive, and so dear. We treasure every moment with you and can’t wait to see you chase your dreams and become everything God made you to be.
Caffeinated Wanderings 