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Archive for October, 2016

Loss

I’ve started writing this about 10 times in my head and each time I start to cry and have to stop.  Nothing in life prepares you for loss, especially not losing a child.

 

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I drew this the day before we lost our baby.  It was part of my accepting and processing this news that seemed too good to be true, this child we had prayed for.

Nobody explains the weight in trying to conceive.  Questioning if you’re doing something wrong, if there’s something wrong with you.  There was one day when I sincerely felt I was failing in every part of my life, the internal dialogue went:

Perhaps this is hard because I’m still nursing.  But weaning isn’t an option right now.  I’m such a bad mom for even considering doing that to her when she’s still so dependent.

I bet Derek feels overwhelmed and heavy from watching this effect me.  I’m a horrible wife.

Maybe we aren’t pregnant because I’m not trusting God’s timeline.  I’m failing Him.

It’s a cycle of lies and blame.

 

Watching your friends get pregnant while you wait, your newsfeeds full of everything your heart desperately desires.  I feel guilty and selfish wanting another child when we’ve been blessed with one child already, which is much more than many have been given.  But my heart yearns to see my little girl interact with a sibling, like so many of my dear friends.

 

I’m not writing this to give you fear.  I’ve prayed frequently that would not be the case.  Trust your Father God.

 

 

I’m writing this because I want to celebrate this little life, despite it being cut short so quickly.  God gifted us a few weeks with our baby.  From the beginning we recognized this child as His.

I’m writing this because it’s hard.  It’s so hard.  I cried more in those first 24 hours than I’ve cried in the past 3 years.  You have to grieve and grieve well, letting go of part of your family and all the dreams and hopes you had for your child.  Derek and I spent an afternoon holding each other and crying, listening to music that lifted our hearts, and praying.

 

I’m writing this because if you are going through something like this, I want you to know you can talk with us.  You can cry with us.  You can pray with us.   I know that so many have experienced years of infertility and multiple miscarriages and my heart breaks with you.  I don’t know who you are but I’m praying for you.

 

And I’m writing this because of the beauty that we are made in His image and we are made to HOPE…and it’s so easy to lose hope in times like these.  And in those moments when you can’t hope in anything, don’t stop hoping in Him.  Pray Romans 15:13.  Have someone pray it with you.

 

Remember: You were not made to be broken, you were made to be whole.  This pain feels so unnatural because you have an eternity ahead of you of complete joy and wholeness where you will fixate only on your perfect Savior.  Don’t lose hope.

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I’m SERIOUS about my playlists.  My most common lists are: Driving, dancing, or Rainy walks and seasons that deserve playlists are Summer, Christmas, and fall.  But out of all my playlists, Fall is the most serious ever.  Seriously.  You don’t mess with the fall playlist.  It’s also Derek’s fav. SO.  I thought I’d share it!  (Also before it becomes much, much longer.)

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I threw it into a youtube playlist since spotify recognized 6 out of these 38 songs and youtube only disregarded four of my (favorite) tracks.  *siiiiiiigh*

 

 

For me, Fall is a time of looking back on fond memories and dreaming about the future, introspection, and long walks.  A lot of these songs have been special in various seasons of life and the majority are filled with memories that D and I have made together!  Enjoy!

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Another one about Anxiety

This is my blog after all.  I can write about the same thing over and over and over if I’m still learning about it, right?

 

I started thinking about anxiety again after another anxiety attack recently.  I struggled with attacks as a teenager which I totally believe were largely raging hormones.  Since pregnancy and this postpartum year I’ve had a few hormone based anxiety attacks, entirely different from anything I’ve experienced.  I feel them coming 30 seconds before they arrive, a blur of unsettling shapes and a fuzzy taste in my mouth.  This is different from the anxiety I take control of, but I CAN seek support from someone outside of it, a person with their feet firmly planted on reality to talk me through those short moments.

 

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This is what I’ve been learning recently.  If you haven’t heard Grace Point’s wonderful sermon series on anxiety, give it a listen. (http://www.gracepointparadise.com/downloads)

Anxiety is a process always looking for content, seeking to suck up your thoughts into a whirlwind of doubt, mistrust in a sovereign God, and a fixation on the worst possible scenarios.

As silly as these scenarios might seem, they’re things people struggle through daily.

 

Instead, fix your thoughts on truth.  I choose where my head goes.  I choose to thank God for everything I can think of and my mind is soon grounded in truth and the faithfulness of God.

 

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such thing”

 

 

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