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Archive for September, 2016

A letter to Rainee Mae

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I remember the day I found out you existed. Two days after a routine doctor checkup where I timidly asked for a test because I was CONVINCED you were there. My disappointment when the answer was, “No,” and my feeling silly two days later that I just had to take a test for myself. And there you were, all along. I just knew.

 

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I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, tears in my eyes. In that moment I had a million hopes and dreams for you, my dear.

 

I couldn’t focus the rest of the day, purely giddy, pacing irrationally, even calling the doctor and explaining two positive tests. “Like, should I get a blood test? What should happen next? Like, how do I know this is real?” and she was all, “False negatives happen sometimes, false positives, rarely. Two positives? You’re pregnant.” Then it was a waiting game for Derek to get home, a battle of impatience as he dawdled around and I realized if I told him immediately he wouldn’t be able to focus that evening on a dear guest coming shortly who needed some love and attention. So I waited through the longest evening and a dear friend who would not FREAKING LEAVE.   I can’t help but laugh now, thinking of us saying goodbye and him standing by the door still talking for HALF AN HOUR, me silently exasperated.

 

And then, finally, I could tell him. We laughed and cried and just held each other and dreamed and wondered if it was real life. We were so in love with you even then.

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It was hard to keep you under wraps when we were so ecstatic (and I was SO sick.) Some nights I ate dinner three times and threw it up each time. You made me hate coffee and despise mornings even more than I already did. Each Sunday I read your growth achievements out loud and Dad and I marveled over the handiwork of God and cheered you on. Some nights I was so miserably sick I asked D to lay a dry washcloth on my pillow so I could just cry. But boy, you were worth it.

 

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That first moment I felt you wiggle in the middle of the night, like a little bubble against my side…right after eating hot wings. I lay awake for hours, in awe, hoping for another little moment with you. And then the day you wiggled as I sang to you. I cried. And then the night D felt you for the first time…wonder and awe and tears. Your little wiggles became excited, energetic hourly wiggles, and you hiccupped constantly….we hiccupped together.

 

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I knew it was worth it when I felt you wiggle, felt you respond to us.

All the times I cried for 30 minutes over nothing but hormones…worth it.

The aches and pains….worth it.

The waddle and the way I had to “starfish” out of bed at the end…worth it.

That time my grocery bag broke, cracking my pickle jar open before I could purchase it, my eyes filling with tears in the middle of Aldi because I was a huge pregnant stereotype…worth it.

That false call where we went into the hospital at midnight and got home at 4am, sad that our arms were still empty…worth it.

Those hours of intense labor, everything out of focus except for the realization of pain and D coaching me through breathing…worth it.

 

When you arrived with the storm, so alert, so vocal, in your own time…oh, you were so worth it.

 

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So we celebrate you and this first wondrous year, souls incredibly full with thankfulness. For the hearts you’ve touched and the people we’ve been able to minister to through doors only you could open and love only you could give. For all your achievements and all our adventures together. For the fresh perspective you give as you experience and treasure this beautiful world. For your good health then and now.

 

 

And most of all for the way you’ve changed us. You made us parents. You deepened the capacity for love in our hearts. And you thrust us towards our God, whom we could do none of this without.

 

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Happy birthday, my Rainee Mae.

My wish for you is that you love Him deeply, be a kind human, chase dreams and logic simultaneously, and enjoy the littlest of things.

Cheering you on.

-Mom

 

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